Partnership Relations: Differences That Hurt

(Patria) - The influence of a romantic partner on our lives and our self is greater than we can imagine and accept to admit, writes living.ba.

A partner influences our self-perception, consequently our self-confidence, and the way we function as a couple – in harmony or discord – can significantly impact our mental and physical health.

A partner who is emotionally unavailable, who does not support you, who diminishes your value with hidden or direct messages, can weaken you to the point of health erosion, experts say. The other, brighter side of the coin, provided you have a partner who responds to your essential emotional needs and who has accepted the role of a secure base, can help you improve your health and thus prolong your life. The choice is yours.

Verification is Gold

It seems that the more rules and guidelines about love there are, whether based on science or experience, the fewer happy relationships there are. This has become a rule in itself. There is certainly no universal answer to why a relationship could not be sustained; each case is individual and has its own code, but there are still at least common denominators that can be observed and applied, albeit very cautiously.

If there were a method of assessment that we could apply to the behavior of partners in a relationship, i.e., if we could a priori form an assumption about how a partner will behave and how they will emotionally bond, would that prevent pain due to misunderstanding, miscommunication, and ultimately, breakup?

Attachment Styles

The need to be close to someone special is so important that there is a biological mechanism in the brain solely responsible for creating and regulating relationships with people we bond with (parents, children, romantic partners). And just as a child activates panic when separated from their mother, adults also activate fear, panic, and anxiety if their partner is in a risky situation.

Pioneers of attachment theory, psychiatrist and professor at Columbia University Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller, have researched close relationships among adults for years. They consolidated their research and published it in 2010 as a kind of manual titled 'Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love'.

The attachment theory developed by Levine and Heller identifies three basic adult attachment styles, i.e., the way they experience and react to intimacy in romantic relationships. Thus, according to Levine and Heller, people with a secure attachment style have no problem with intimacy and expressing love and affection.
Conversely, people with an avoidant pattern perceive intimacy as a threat to their independence and therefore do everything to reduce or completely avoid it. People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style show a great need for intimacy, and when in a relationship, they focus mainly only on the relationship, lose interest in other aspects of life, doubt their partner and their ability to reciprocate love equally. There are also combinations of styles, and the ratios can change over the years due to life experiences and the process of development and maturation.

There are several factors that influence which style you will develop during your life, but two key ones are upbringing, in terms of how your parents behaved towards you, and life experience. In the case of the former, if your parents gave you adequate attention and responded to your needs, you are more likely to develop a secure attachment style. Conversely, if they were cold, strict, and inaccessible, it is possible that as an adult you will develop an avoidant attachment pattern.
If we currently maintain an anxious-preoccupied style, it is quite possible that our parents were inconsistent in responding to our needs. However, the influence of life experience, including the experience of earlier romantic relationships and their outcomes, should not be underestimated.

Levine and Heller described the styles as follows:

Anxious-preoccupied style: You like to be very close to your partner and have a great capacity for intimacy. However, you often fear that your partner does not want to get as close to you as you would like. You expend a lot of emotional energy in the relationship. You are sensitive to the slightest changes in your partner's mood and actions and perceive their behavior too personally. You experience a lot of negative emotions in the relationship and easily become agitated, which can lead you to say or do something you later regret. However, if your partner provides you with enough security and encouragement, you are able to release agitation and feel satisfied.

Secure style: Expressing tenderness and love in a partnership is a natural state for you. You enjoy intimacy and are not overly worried about your relationship. You are not easily upset and successfully cope with problems. You easily communicate your needs and feelings to your partner, and you successfully interpret your partner's emotional needs and respond to them. You share your successes and problems with your partner and provide support when needed.

Avoidant style: It is very important for you to maintain independence and self-sufficiency, and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Although you want to be close to others, if that closeness is too great, you feel uncomfortable and often keep your partner at a certain distance. You do not spend too much time worrying about your relationship or about being rejected. You are often not open with your partners who complain that you are emotionally distant. You are upset by any sign that your partner is controlling you or 'invading your territory'.

How to decipher your partner's attachment style

This will likely interest you more than your own style. However, how to gather enough information on first dates with a potential partner when you are in a heightened, euphoric mood, when you are trying to make the best impression, and you see him/her as an image you have created yourself? It is difficult, but not impossible. You certainly won't pull a questionnaire out of your pocket or purse to discover their emotional style and ask the person to fill it out neatly.

Be a Good Listener

By being familiar with the concept of attachment and having determined your own style, through careful listening and observation, you will be able to form a picture of your partner. Even if you don't ask direct questions, most people spontaneously start talking about themselves, especially in the context of first dates. However, a picture cannot be formed based on just a few meetings – you need to reach the point of moving to the next stage, which involves more regular communication, to assess how the person will respond. However, this is not just about the attachment style; there is a possibility that the person simply does not want a relationship with you because they are not attracted to you. And that does not require further analysis, nor an analysis of why that is the case. You need to know when to stop, as the saying goes.

Shifting Focus

The goal of determining your attachment style is self-protection, so you don't fall into the trap of self-questioning and maintaining the disturbing dilemma of whether you are attractive and well-trained enough, whether you are smart enough, or whether you have a good enough 'pedigree'! In those moments of wavering, it is unlikely that you will ask these questions about the other person.

From now on, armed with knowledge about different attachment styles, you will ask yourself different questions: Does this person deserve emotional investment? Can he/she provide me with what I need (emotionally, not materially)? Is this person ready for intimacy, or are they sending me mixed signals?

Worth knowing.