What Game Are You Playing: When the Victim Becomes the Persecutor

Why does this always happen to me? I know where this is going. I knew it.

Most of us have found ourselves in a situation where we've said something like this. If this happens to you often in communication with others, and you feel exhausted at the end of every conversation, it's quite possible you've found yourself in the middle of a psychological game, writes Patria.

A (psychological) game is a term coined by transactional analysts to explain interpersonal interactions that unfold according to a pattern that always includes an unexpected twist.

Psychological Gain

Unlike conscious psychological games in which one or more players aim to profit materially through lies, deception, and fraud, we play unconscious games for psychological gain.

An unconscious game is usually the result of an internal conflict within the player – for example, a person simultaneously believes they are competent and worthy and deserve a better status, while at the same time believing they are not competent and worthy and do not deserve a better status. This dilemma is, in fact, a manifestation of the person's internal conflict regarding their self-worth.

One of the common games that people with this type of internal conflict will play is “Kick Me.” For example, a person finds a good and respected job, which over time they begin to perform poorly, eventually losing it due to their own poor performance or conflicts they created at work. In this way, they have proven to themselves on an unconscious level that they do not deserve such a good and respected job and have reinforced their own beliefs. At the same time, this person plays the role of a victim, blaming others for losing their job (“they conspired against me,” and so on). The real reason for their game is the internal conflict about their own worth – one part of them maintains the belief that they are worthy, another part that they are not.

This game is often played in romantic and even marital relationships: One of the partners has an internal conflict about their own worth, and after finding a quality partner who meets all their expectations, they start creating conflicts that will ultimately lead to the breakdown of the relationship or marriage. All to reinforce the belief of the part of themselves that tells them: You are not worthy of him/her.

Unconscious Level

The motive for playing unconscious games is precisely the resolution of internal conflict. It is important to keep in mind that all of the above happens on an unconscious level, largely due to mechanisms and one's own logic, as well as beliefs that a person has adopted throughout life based on their experiences, starting from early childhood.

Games are one of the main causes of a bad atmosphere and conflicts in interpersonal relationships – romantic relationships, marriage, among friends, and in the workplace, as in the following case:

Person A has a problem with a certain aspect of a project they are currently working on. They asked Person B for help. Person B gave them several proposals/suggestions on how to overcome the problem. Person A rejects every proposal/suggestion without thinking, finding them not good enough, responding with “Yes, but…”

The proposal-rejection process lasts for some time and repeats, after which Person A tells Person B that they “never get any help from anyone” and leaves. Person B is confused. And exhausted because they were drawn into a game with no positive outcome. Person A got their psychological gain by reinforcing the belief that neither they nor Person B are worthy.

The Drama Triangle

A triangle is often a signal of danger and risk – the Bermuda Triangle, a love triangle, a triangle as a traffic sign.

Steve Karpman, a prominent figure in Transactional Analysis, used the triangle in the 1960s to explain unconscious psychological games with three roles – the Persecutor, the Rescuer, and the Victim. The roles are capitalized to distinguish between an authentic victim, e.g., of an accident, and a role in a psychological game.

Original drawing by S. Karpman

Thus, the Persecutor belittles and demeans people, considering them less worthy. Unconsciously, they seek a Victim to condemn, blame, and persecute under the guise of doing good and their imagined role of a “righteous person.” “It’s all your fault,” the Persecutor most often says. They are rigid, authoritative, and like to control from their position of superiority.

“Let me help you,” says the Rescuer, always in a hurry to help someone, often when not asked. In doing so, they dismiss someone's abilities or opportunities to solve the problem themselves. The Rescuer takes over the thinking from another person and keeps them in the role of Victim because this keeps them – above. The Rescuer does all this because they gain psychological benefit from such a game – they reinforce their own belief that they are better/stronger/more capable than others, and in certain situations, because it suits them to keep the Victim in a trapped, locked position of dependence on their help. Sometimes the relationship between the Victim and the Rescuer turns into a genuine codependent relationship – the Rescuer keeps the Victim dependent on them, encouraging their unenviable position. At the same time, the Victim will meet their needs as long as the Rescuer takes care of them.

The Victim behaves like someone who suffers greatly and always seeks either a Rescuer or a Persecutor. “Poor me,” the Victim most often says because they generally feel helpless, hopeless, disenfranchised, victimized, with no hope for the future or joy in life. If they are not being persecuted, they will seek a Persecutor to reinforce all their negative beliefs. If you are in this role, you behave as if you have no ability to make decisions or solve problems. When your Rescuer does not do something according to your expectations or if you feel they have let you down, you will switch to the role of Persecutor, which represents a twist in the game, and that is precisely what creates the drama.

The drama triangle is usually formed when someone takes on the role of Persecutor or Victim, and then “pulls” other players into the triangle, in this case, a Rescuer who feels “called” to help.

Through the drama triangle, an individual, a group, any kind of community, a country and its politics, as well as global politics, can be observed.

Now that we have become aware of the unconscious, we can step out of the drama.

Unless we enjoy the scene and our own acting.