How to Deal with Toxic People

Relationships or relations with other people are the foundation of our lives – as much as they can influence our daily lives, they can also mark, define, and even (re)direct our entire lives.

Interpersonal relationships are an unavoidable and pivotal part of our social, professional, family, and love lives.
And while we sometimes enjoy communication, moments arrive when we feel an irresistible urge to withdraw because we need time to restore our energy. This is often because we feel exhausted, unmotivated, or even humiliated after talking with close people.

Why is this happening to us?

Authors of positive psychology have developed the theory of 'emotional vampires', people who drain others' energy with their behavior and often leave them tired, confused, shaken, in a bad mood, pessimistic, self-critical to the point of self-blame and self-punishment, and in the worst case with a feeling of worthlessness, even after a short encounter and conversation. They constantly need attention and are always 'hunting' for a victim who will listen to them and feed them confirmation that they are right.

On the other side of this continuum are 'nurturing' people who support you, show understanding for your opinions and actions, whose words and behavior instill confidence in you. Such people seem to fill you with good, healthy energy, and after spending time with them, you feel as if things have returned to perspective, you are full of hope, optimism, and good will... As if the joy of living has been returned to you, and you don't feel like you owe them anything. Moreover, you feel like a valuable person who can do anything!

Become Aware of Communication

Suspect your friend/colleague/partner/family member if during or after every or most of your conversations you start to feel tired, anxious, and out of sorts, which seem 'unprovoked'. They are very much provoked because neither mental nor physical fatigue is ever without cause.

Relationships with others are like other aspects of our lives – we can let the current toss us around and carry us wherever it wants, or we can take the helm and steer as best we know how.

If you belong to the latter group, here are some tips for managing relationships with toxic people:

1. Become aware of your relationships. Make a list of people who influence your life in one way or another, and next to each name, reflect and write down how that person makes you feel. Name the emotion, e.g., joy, sadness, anger, and then try to be more descriptive: 'they humiliate me', 'they confuse me', 'they drive me crazy', or 'they make me happy', 'they encourage me', 'they inspire me', etc. – whatever comes to mind. If you feel the need, take another step and describe how that person does it, what they say or do that makes you feel 'confused' or 'humiliated', or 'encouraged'. Short answers are sufficient; you don't need to write a diary, which is, by the way, useful for some, and less so for others. This exercise will prepare you for future encounters with 'opposing sides' and over time reduce and calm your emotional response.

2. Since you are not in a position to avoid people with whom you have a relationship, as is the case with people who are mere passers-by, plan your encounters in advance – e.g., going to the cinema, theater, involving a third person, etc. This will significantly 'narrow the channel' for the flow of negative energy, and you will have an instant topic for conversation (the movie you just watched), and if a third person is present, they will bring their own energy (positive, we hope) and their own topics, and you will not be the only listener, i.e., the target.

3. If your 'toxic relationship' engages in long, exhausting monologues during which you find yourself waiting for an opportunity to say something, consider that they are probably not interested in you, but only need an audience for their own 'venting', most often verbalizing some of their problems or states. In their exaltation of their own speech, such a conversational partner usually does not observe you and therefore does not notice your non-verbal signals, including fatigue, frustration, and even despair. A confrontation on your part would likely lead to conflict, so it is much better to 1) ask for the floor in a neutral tone, and if that doesn't work, 2) make it known that you need to leave the 'gathering' due to other obligations. There is a possibility that the person will not understand why you want to leave...

4. Similar to the previous type, some of our toxic conversational partners may show signs of narcissism – they are the center of everything and everything revolves around them, they are the most important, and everyone should admire them, which they expect from you too. While you show admiration, they control the situation, and it may even seem to you that the encounter is pleasant and everything is going 'smoothly'. However, just one 'slip-up' on your part – if you disagree with them or don't do as they expect, you become the target of some kind of psychological punishment, coldness, withdrawal, rejection, etc. The empathy and capacity for love of narcissistic individuals are extremely limited and highly conditional, which should be kept in mind if you are in a relationship with such a person so as not to punish yourself for their behavior. However, if regular communication is unavoidable (e.g., at work, as we won't go far to advise you never to fall in love with such people), maintain it by occasionally feeding their ego a little without it being a big compromise for you and your values.

5. Some toxic conversational partners often play the role of a 'professional victim'. They always come with a problem they can talk about at length. They tend to play the psychological game of 'YES, BUT' because every piece of advice or suggestion you generously give them is met with a ready answer of 'yes, but it can't, it won't, it shouldn't...'. And so on, endlessly. And while the reasons for taking on the role of an eternal victim and playing psychological games usually have a deeper psychological cause (we will write about that another time), in this case, you can protect yourself by stopping offering solutions that are constantly rejected, concluding that you are 'sorry you cannot help', but that you 'hope the person will find a solution'. Also, limit the conversation time by announcing your departure at X o'clock to prevent 'intoxication'.

When We Are Toxic

The fact is that we cannot live without each other. And while we often complain about other 'energy vampires', we should ask ourselves if we might be toxic to others, which is quite possible when we are going through a stressful period or emotional crisis. If you care about the impression you make on others, or about the person with whom you have a relationship, observe their facial expressions, gaze, and non-verbal language when you address them – does the person listen with interest, do you give them space to express their opinion, do you actively listen to your interlocutor or interrupt them, or do you not listen, thinking about what you will say next. Also, pay attention to criticism of others, the urge to gossip, to control them by telling them what to do, how to dress, how to think, etc.

Life is certainly more beautiful and of higher quality with healthy relationships, and a full 50 percent depends on us.